onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
