I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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