Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
