woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
