the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
