just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
