Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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