he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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