neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
