I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
