If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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