2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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