90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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