i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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