Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
