OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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