I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
