Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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