what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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