The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize