FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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