Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
