we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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