You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
