You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
