Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
