Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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