Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
