Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
