New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
