I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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