We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize