I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
