the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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