Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
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