I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize