She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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