Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
