Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
