Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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