You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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