they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
