So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
