Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
