Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
