I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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