I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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