Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
