He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh god it's open bar.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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