Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize