I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
