I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
