last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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