On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
