A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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