this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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