I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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