I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
