Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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