Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
